When you look at all the ways that trauma can affect you well into adulthood, the question arises – can this trauma ever be completely healed??? This is especially true when considering how early childhood trauma impacts you on so many levels like self-esteem, basic trust and intimacy. This question is reflective of the deep feelings of hopelessness, despair and anger that naturally arise in the journey towards health. Healing can feel slow and uncomfortable – almost like an acknowledgement of a lifetime of accumulated pain .
So, can trauma ever be completely healed? As a therapist working with clients in recovery from trauma, I have seen healing occur and despair change to hope. Each person’s journey in recovery is unique to their story. Trauma wounds require looking into with an eye of compassion. Gentleness and kindness facilitate healing. Sometimes the scars heal over completely and where the vulnerability once was, there is new resiliency and strength. Sometimes there remains a vulnerable place that requires care and protection. Learning coping strategies that protect and buffer that soft or weaker spot all aid in the road to getting healthier. Support is important so making contact with others who have healed their traumas can serve as inspiration and encouragement along the healing path.
As I look at the many components of trauma recovery, I am increasingly aware that healing must address the part that loneliness plays in the wounding. Especially for children who were abused or suffered trauma at an early age, the sense of aloneness in the face of overwhelming pain is staggering. This alone feeling can sometimes be just as devastating as the actual physical and/or sexual abuse. The aloneness and shame at being alone and without support or understanding can linger well into adulthood and creates deep feelings of exile, abandonment and isolation. It makes it hard to reach out or to feel that being understood or really seen is a possibility.
As a therapist working with trauma, I see how important it is to help clients work their way out of this isolation. It happens that as many traumas occur in relationship, so it is that within the context of relating that healing can take place. Being seen, being accepted and learning to trust and feel safe and connected in relationship is all part of healing and trauma recovery.
Grieving for a parent is a difficult task in any circumstance, but especially if he/she was neglectful or abusive. If you have not been able to work out the relationship with your parent before they die, then the grief you experience can be complicated grief. Sometimes there is so much unfinished business because your parent may not have been willing or able to do his or her part of the work to repair the relationship. This can be especially true if there has been sexual, physical abuse, and/or substance abuse in your relationship. Death is so final that it can flush out feelings and behaviors you thought were behind you.
What is complicated grief?
There are different definitions at the current time, but generally speaking it refers to considerable grief that lasts longer than an average period of time. It is right to ask what an average time for grief is, and I don’t know the answer, but there are times when grief is profoundly disruptive of normal life and continues to impair day-to-day living for an extended time period. There could be serious depression, panic, or even physical health symptoms that don’t go away with time. Grief, trauma, and post-traumatic stress can be related and overlap.
There is help for traumatic or complex grief, including psychotherapy, somatic therapy, EMDR (two techniques that specialize with healing trauma), Dialectical behavioral therapy, medication, and more. It is really important not to give up on yourself and not to isolate. If you are depressed, it can be difficult to motivate yourself to reach out for help, but keep trying! You deserve to get help and you are not alone.
The way we will miss you, miss you,
the steady flow of your rhythm in our lives, love you,
oh how we love you…
from Radiance by Phyllis Klein
For girls, your father starts out being the most important man in your life. You are born with great capacity to love and be loved. Fathers offer the male perspective and sensibility into their daughters lives. When your father tries to understand you as a girl/woman and doesn’t try to push you to be someone else, you can develop good self esteem. If your father praises you rather than criticizes, you will feel confidence and develop assertiveness.
For girls who have such special fathers, the grief of loss when your father dies very powerful. It can feel as if you have lost your best friend and guide in life.
In trying to cope with the magnitude of this loss, it is important to honor your father and let people know what a special man he was. Keeping photographs, possessions, and special momentos can be comforting. Some women may wear their father’s ties, jackets, or sweaters. If you have male friends and/or a partner, this is a good time to lean into their support. Attending a grief group can also be very helpful.
There is no quick way to navigate through this kind of grief. You may hear people say to be “gentle” with yourself. What does this mean? Of course it is different for different people. For many it means slowing down and not expecting as much of yourself. You may not be able to be as productive as you are normally for a time. It may mean forgiving yourself if you are forgetful, distracted, tearful at embarrassing moments, or irritable. It could mean being around people who are kind and thoughtful to you rather than those who cause bad feelings for whatever reason. If you need to work, it can be helpful to ease back into work slowly rather than right away if you can manage that. You might want to try some soothing activities such as massage, yoga, gentle exercise, or hot tubs. And small things can be really helpful like a special lotion for your skin.
Of course nothing will make this experience easy. But with time you can gain perspective and hold your father close even if he is not here as a living person.
If you do not have a positive relationship with your mother, your own self concept as a woman and mother can be challenged. Women whose mothers were/are critical, verbally, physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive may have problems deciding how much contact they want to have with their mothers.
Many women who have difficult relationships with their mothers fear judgement from others, especially if there is estrangement in the relationship. However, it is becoming more understood in our society that sometimes taking care of yourself by setting limits on toxic relationships, even when they are your parents, is an acceptable thing to do.
If your mother was abusive, neglectful, or a combination of the two, it can be really hard to reinvent yourself as the nurturing mother you want to be. You may be grieving for yourself and what you missed out on. You may struggle with how to become the parent you want to be or whether to even take the chance to have children of your own.
If you are estranged from your mother and she is ill or dying, it can be very hard to decide whether to become more involved with her in that process. Guilt can be a strong emotion in this complicated dynamic.
Getting support and learning how to take care of yourself are very helpful enterprises, especially support from others who are in the same situation. One online support group I discovered is about getting help if you have a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder. Follow this link for more information to see if this applies to you: http://www.bpdcentral.com/support/email.shtml
Many people long to stop overeating. Yet when food is a main source of comfort and pleasure, just wanting to stop often doesn’t work. What is as convenient, comforting and soothing as food? Even when you know overeating has its negative and destructive consequences, it is hard to stop. Finding the right alternative support, nurturing and comfort is a huge challenge when there is such a dependency on food. Stopping compulsive overeating can be done but it is complicated. It can be easy to think it’s simple to stop and then attack yourself when you do the same old destructive behavior. Developing healthy eating habits is a process. Understanding the feelings underlying the overeating, finding the right external support and activities to replace the focus on food and being compassionate to oneself in making changes – all help.
Radical compassionate self-care in the most positive way is a key to recovery from compulsive overeating.
If you are an adult woman and have lost your mother, it is hard work to be a mother for your children or to yourself. If your mother was nurturing, then you will sorely miss her and grieve for her, the example of her as a mother, and the simple fact that you can’t pick up the phone to tell her what is going on with your kids or your life.
Mother-loss is a profound and life-changing event. When she is gone, it can feel like there is an empty place that no one else can fill. It may feel really hard to believe that she is not there and take time for the grief to come in waves as it usually does. Mothering is a symbol of nurturing and wisdom. But of course your mother, or you, don’t often feel perfect in these roles. However, there is a lot of power in the feminine to care for and comfort. When your mother dies and you are an adult, you become the matriarch in your family, even when you don’t feel ready to take on this role.
If you don’t have children, losing your mother can prompt you to do so, if you are not past child bearing age and have the life circumstances to do so. And if you never have children, there is still the child in you who will miss your mother and need nurturing from you.
One way to find help is to reach out for support. Being a parent is the hardest job out there, and caring warm-hearted support can make a huge difference in renewing your energy for the tasks that don’t stop. This support can range from friends, other family, parent or grief support groups, or therapy.
Howard Thurman, an author and theologian speaks touchingly about support in his poem A Time for Sorrow. You can find the whole poem at http://www.dailystrength.org/people/5408/journal/1221213
He says in part:
I share with you the agony of your grief…
I can but offer what my love does give…
The strength of caring…
This I do in quiet ways,
That on your lonely path
You may not walk alone.
–Howard Thurman, from A Time for Sorrow
How is it that just when you feel everything is going great in relationship, conflict rises up and there you are – stuck! When you’re close to someone, getting along can feel so great- with so much sharing and compatibility. Yet inevitably as there are 2 different people involved – the differences become more apparent and before you know it your beloved partner can start appearing as the enemy. Compromising or finding a peaceful solution to the conflict can feel like the ultimate challenge.
As a couples counselor, I see this especially in relationships where there isn’t a set pattern of dealing with issues. If there is always one person in relationship who avoids conflict and is the accommodator, then conflict is easily resolved as one person usually gives in and goes along with the other. But if you have two very independent, strong willed people – power struggles and the need for negotiation will be much more frequent.
So what works? How does a couple navigate the treacherous path of conflict??
There are ways an individual can create more of an atmosphere that feeds peace instead of strife. Here are a list of skills that aid in conflict resolution.
1. LISTEN. Put away your side of the argument and just listen for awhile. Let the person know they are being heard. Sometimes just a little acknowledgement of the other side can go along way to stop the impasse.
2. STAY HEART-CENTERED. This can be challenging but it really works in promoting more harmony. In the midst of conflict, it is easy to lose track of your heart and go into your head- rationalizing and explaining your part. But that doesn’t promote heart-to-heart cooperation.
3. BE OPEN. Frustration leads to being closed and fixated on being right. With an attitude of open-ness or even I-don’t-knowness, we are open to solutions that may not be immediately apparent.
4. LIGHTEN UP. Lightness can take away from the serious positioning that is so deadly to loving compromise. It’s like being in a dark stuffy room and someone opens up a window to let in fresh air and light.
5. TAKE A BREAK. It is possible to work an argument to death. When you see conflict isn’t going anywhere, sometimes it helps to stop the direction, take a break and make a plan to come back at a later time. It helps to be concrete here and come to an agreement as to exactly when it would work to revisit the issue.
These are all just suggestions that may or may not fit your situation. It is important to note that healing conflict is POSSIBLE. Compromise and learning to co-operate is a skill that can be developed over time . When it happens after feeling stuck, it indeed can feel like a miracle. It reinforces the power of love to persevere in the face of difficulties and makes relationships stronger and more resilient.