Archives for January, 2012
When you look at all the ways that trauma can affect you well into adulthood, the question arises – can this trauma ever be completely healed??? This is especially true when considering how early childhood trauma impacts you on so many levels like self-esteem, basic trust and intimacy. This question is reflective of the deep feelings of hopelessness, despair and anger that naturally arise in the journey towards health. Healing can feel slow and uncomfortable – almost like an acknowledgement of a lifetime of accumulated pain .
So, can trauma ever be completely healed? As a therapist working with clients in recovery from trauma, I have seen healing occur and despair change to hope. Each person’s journey in recovery is unique to their story. Trauma wounds require looking into with an eye of compassion. Gentleness and kindness facilitate healing. Sometimes the scars heal over completely and where the vulnerability once was, there is new resiliency and strength. Sometimes there remains a vulnerable place that requires care and protection. Learning coping strategies that protect and buffer that soft or weaker spot all aid in the road to getting healthier. Support is important so making contact with others who have healed their traumas can serve as inspiration and encouragement along the healing path.
As I look at the many components of trauma recovery, I am increasingly aware that healing must address the part that loneliness plays in the wounding. Especially for children who were abused or suffered trauma at an early age, the sense of aloneness in the face of overwhelming pain is staggering. This alone feeling can sometimes be just as devastating as the actual physical and/or sexual abuse. The aloneness and shame at being alone and without support or understanding can linger well into adulthood and creates deep feelings of exile, abandonment and isolation. It makes it hard to reach out or to feel that being understood or really seen is a possibility.
As a therapist working with trauma, I see how important it is to help clients work their way out of this isolation. It happens that as many traumas occur in relationship, so it is that within the context of relating that healing can take place. Being seen, being accepted and learning to trust and feel safe and connected in relationship is all part of healing and trauma recovery.
Grieving for a parent is a difficult task in any circumstance, but especially if he/she was neglectful or abusive. If you have not been able to work out the relationship with your parent before they die, then the grief you experience can be complicated grief. Sometimes there is so much unfinished business because your parent may not have been willing or able to do his or her part of the work to repair the relationship. This can be especially true if there has been sexual, physical abuse, and/or substance abuse in your relationship. Death is so final that it can flush out feelings and behaviors you thought were behind you.
What is complicated grief?
There are different definitions at the current time, but generally speaking it refers to considerable grief that lasts longer than an average period of time. It is right to ask what an average time for grief is, and I don’t know the answer, but there are times when grief is profoundly disruptive of normal life and continues to impair day-to-day living for an extended time period. There could be serious depression, panic, or even physical health symptoms that don’t go away with time. Grief, trauma, and post-traumatic stress can be related and overlap.
There is help for traumatic or complex grief, including psychotherapy, somatic therapy, EMDR (two techniques that specialize with healing trauma), Dialectical behavioral therapy, medication, and more. It is really important not to give up on yourself and not to isolate. If you are depressed, it can be difficult to motivate yourself to reach out for help, but keep trying! You deserve to get help and you are not alone.