Anxiety Care for Women
It is hard to practice just about anything all on your own! This is why there are so many groups, classes, and online forums, not to mention text messages and phone calls to friends and relatives.
Groups and classes can help us get new ideas, share our own thoughts and experiences, encourage us, and help us stay on track. On the Mayo Clinic webpage about stress reduction they say that support from family, friends, and coworkers can have a strong healing impact when you are under stress. Support gives you a way to belong, which reduces loneliness, fosters better self esteem, and enhances feelings of security.
If you do not have a supportive family, you are not alone. That’s a good reason to reach out into the world to find friends and support groups that can accomplish the same things as family support.
When you are depressed or traumatized, it is very easy to isolate yourself. That is why sometimes people decide to pursue individual therapy as a step towards connecting with another person. It is helpful to look at the patterns of your friendships and intimate relationships to see if you are repeating hurtful experiences from earlier times.
You may have had friends and support at an earlier time in your life and been disappointed by people from your past. Sometimes it is possible to reconnect with lost friends and if not, it may be possible to let go and grieve for the disappointments, which could make room for newer healthier relationships.
I think it’s very hard to work on self improvement, when you don’t feel rewarded with the reinforcement of seeing concrete progress. There are so many ways to get discouraged. Sometimes you might feel like life is conspiring against you in the realm of self-care. For instance, you find an exercise class you can fit into your busy schedule only to discover that you dislike the teacher. Or you try to buy more organic vegetables, then notice that you put them in a drawer in your refrigerator and forgot they were there. Maybe your partner or spouse isn’t that supportive of your desire to live a healthier life style or is unable/unwilling to work with his/her own negative habits. How do you keep on trying without giving in or giving up?
Persistence is an interesting quality. Sometimes it’s better to let go and move on, sometimes it’s more important to hang in there despite disappointments and discouragement. What is your persistence factor? Do you find that you are someone who keeps trying no matter what? Can you let go when you need to? Can you stick with a solution-plan when there are ups and downs?
Most people who are successful with stress reduction can attest to the need for persistence, since most healthy stress reduction behavior takes time to show results. For example, breathing techniques, meditation, yoga, exercise, all take practice to have an impact on anxiety.
In AA it’s suggested that newcomers find support from people who have been working the steps over a period of time–people who have found some degree of serenity and sobriety over time–and this seems to me to be very good advice.
What can you do to find role models who can support you on the road to better self-care? How can you cultivate patience for the process, and persistence to reach your goals?
Family visits during the holidays often add that extra load of stress. Whether your family is a source of love and support or a complicated, painful web of relationships – we can never underestimate the power of the family to unseat us and stress us out. It is easy to be seduced by holiday longing for family and believe, maybe, just maybe -this time will be different. The fantasy of the family being there for us can take over – sometimes it is just that members of the family want to see us SO MUCH – the obligations, guilt and heavy expectations can all be confusing. It makes it so hard to know then -what is the reality for us really?. Do our needs get met or not? So it is hard to take care of ourselves – to evaluate what we need and not get lost in THE FAMILY.
How to cope? My suggestion is be sure to make time for yourself. Consider maybe you don’t have to stay over in the same house. That little bit of space can mean alot. Also taking time-outs away from the family can clear your head and help keep you sane. Things like going out for a walk, run or even an errand by yourself or with just one other close person can be a life saver. Also plan to have other people away from your family available for support by phone. Then be prepared ahead of time – thinking through contingency plans when things may get bad (especially if they have in the past). Also remember that a short visit when you’re longing for more is better than a long visit where you end up thinking “never again”. And try not to feel guilty about your negative thoughts -so many of us love our families but they do drive us crazy…
With all this in mind, do your best to truly have a Happy Holiday!
Marlena Kushner, MFT
Almost everyone can agree that stress reduction is a good idea. But understanding what will work for you is not always that simple. Sometimes there is resistance to positive change that may not make much sense on the surface. We may cling to negative habits and behaviors, and then berate ourselves for it. Just as it is easy to judge a woman who stays with an abusive partner, it is easy to judge yourself for binge eating when you want to regulate your food consumption, or going on a shopping spree when you are trying to get out of credit card debt. This can become self hatred.
The more loss, trauma, and difficulty you have had, especially early on in life, the more complex the road is to healing. Reaching a point where you can find ways to nurture yourself is a big accomplishment.
It is important to be sensitive to yourself and understand what will work for you. Sometimes this involves such small steps it can be very frustrating at first. Try not to compare yourself to others–there will always be someone else who seems to be better at doing what you would like or having what you want.
Since we are again in the midst of a holiday season, remember that stress, hurts, and self judgment can increase at this time of year. Finding support, if you can, is highly recommended.
In thinking about stress reduction, most of us know the drill–exercise, smile more, start a gratitude journal, take a deep breath, do yoga, take a break. Great! Do you find yourself stuck on how to do any of these wonderful things? Most of us have very long to-do lists. Is there space for something peaceful?
The question here is motivation. Many people–both men and women, wait until there is something wrong before taking action. That’s better than avoiding and doing anything. However, you may be interested in prevention also. I’d like to propose a step-by-step approach for putting more stress reduction into your life.
Step one:
Think about one thing you might actually want to do that would reduce your stress. It doesn’t have to be fancy or take a long time. This step is to get clear on what it is. You never have to do it!! Just thinking about it is a step you are taking towards reducing your stress. If you want to try doing it and are having a hard time, remember to keep it simple and find a way to give yourself some positive feedback about doing it.
If you would like, send in a short comment post on what you are thinking about doing.
And if you are engaging in something that is stress reducing, try to name that for yourself. If you go to the gym, it might be for body image or to stay in shape, but it is also a stress reduction activity.
Successful long-term intimate relationships or marriages can offer us certain forms of comfort, security and stability. Within the framework of commitment, we have cherished routines that perpetuate the sense of togetherness. These shared expectations in how we spend our time together (what, where and when) can form the foundation of a good intimate relationship – one that mutually meets our needs. We develop rituals based on shared goals, values, likes and pleasures from the most basic like how we get up in the morning, when and what we enjoy eating at meals to more intimate time together in the bedroom. The things we do together help us bond in intimacy and companionability. For example, one couple may feel their special quality time on the weekend is when they bike ride together – something they both love to do with one another. Another couple may look forward to the quiet time in the evening when they are reading at home or going on an outing with the kids. It doesn’t matter exactly what it is…But each couple finds their own routine that they can look forward to regularly and appreciate as “bonding time”. Problems arise however when that time is disrupted.
Life is about change. Sometimes that change is caused by circumstances beyond our control like the loss of a job, an illness or extended family responsibilities. Other times it is by choice or part of a natural maturation process like expanding a business, starting a family or going back to school. Either way life’s changes are stressful and can have profound effects on relationship. The structures in our daily routines that form the web of connectedness in relating get disturbed and challenged. Even a relatively small change can have effects that we didn’t anticipate. For example, consider when someone in a marriage decides to go on a more restrictive (and healthier diet). That person wants and expects support and encouragement in making that change. Yet they may find their partner (though wanting to be supportive) is basically disappointed – the ritual of eating together, cooking and enjoying certain food gets disturbed and there is a feeling of loss. This kind of pattern gets acted out on a much larger scale depending on the circumstances. When someone’s work schedule is shifted to more travel, later hours or weekend work, the bonding time of being together can feel very threatened. Feelings of abandonment, fears about the future, pressure to succeed – all add to the stress level. It takes energy to make changes to adjust to new outside circumstances. Each partner can have different needs and desires that all deserve attention. This is in addition to actually making the practical real life adjustments. It can just feel absolutely overwhelming!
Successful marriages seem to have the skills to cope with the life’s stresses and even have it add to the intimacy… How do they do it??? One way is allowing for differences. Each partner is respectful of the other and able to communicate in a safe, open way. That is the dance of intimacy – getting that right balance between separateness and togetherness.
by Marlena Kushner, MFT
to read more on this topic click here
You have a secret like an eating disorder or alcohol/drug problem. You might feel on edge about withholding information from the doctor and fear he/she will catch you up and put you on the spot. You might not be ready to face your problem within yourself especially if you feel out of control and afraid you will be forced to stop your self-harming behavior. And there is shame about having the problem in the first place. Unfortunately many doctors are not trained to deal with these kinds of problems.
Sometimes a hard truth is that more than one try is needed to to find the help you need. A really hard part of problems that are “secret” is the isolation and shame you feel about them. However, there can be a turning point, a moment of resolve or readiness that connects you to the right person in the right place.
If you are feeling open to trying, calling a local psychotherapist or organization that works with these types of problems can be a good way to find the right medical practitioner with an understanding about your problem.
You have physical discomfort or embarrassment during exams.
You have had a bad experience in the past, if a doctor yelled at you, scared you, or embarrassed you at some time.
You have low self esteem causing you to feel you are not worth getting medical care.
The doctor is too rushed, cold, or uses a one-size fits all approach.
You may not have had parents who took you to the doctor routinely so you are not used to regular check ups. You may want to ignore getting checked if you feel fine even though some problems are easy to catch and treat early and have no symptoms for a long time.
You don’t have medical insurance and can’t afford to go to the doctor.
for more, see the next blog about secrets you might want to keep from the doctor.
What is it about going to the doctor that can be so anxiety producing?
Although some women can go to the doctor without trepidation, many feel varying degrees of anxiety. Here are some reasons:
You fear having a disease—the mind is a powerful suggestible receptor and there is so much medical information online that your mind can get carried away with stories about your body that are usually not true. Some doctors are forceful in their discussion of what might be wrong, and this can be scary, especially if you are “suggestible”–that is think what the doctor says is probably true even before it is tested.
You fear facing symptoms, especially if they are intermittent, you would rather not think about it or have anxiety about getting a diagnosis.
You have a friend or family member who has a serious disease (contagion effect). Someone you know just died of a disease and you worry about having the same thing.
You fear the unknown—and desire to avoid what is scary.
Tune in for more in the next blog on this subject.
Abandonment anxiety in relationship is more typical for women than for men. Women so often experience the pain of anxiety in the form of fears, worry, obsessive thinking, even panic especially in the initial stage of a romantic relationship but could be at any time. The classic old image of a woman waiting anxiously by the phone for the guy to call still pervades many of us women to this day. Even the most feminist, independent woman can fall into this painful pattern. Fear of abandonment, rejection and hurt with memories of previous disappointments all feed the anxiety. Any woman who has experienced this tortuous state knows that there may not be easy answers to soothing the anxiety and calming the fears. It does make getting involved in an intimate relationship begin to feel that it’s one of the most dangerous things we can do.
One thing that can help is having compassion for oneself and understanding the nature of anxiety. Anxiety is often about futures that have NOT happened yet. It is definitely not about being with what is true in the moment. When it comes to relationships, we can easily torture ourselves with visions about what has happened in the past. Especially in cases of early childhood abandonment or neglect, these memories get lodged in our physical beings – our own cells can retain traumatic memories. Anxiety is also about unacceptable feelings. Any powerful feeling that can threaten to overwhelm us and push through in ways we feel we can’t control..Having compassion for ourselves in this process can ease the pain. It can help one reach out for support from a friend, family member or therapist. The important thing here is reaching out for someone who can UNDERSTAND….Talking to someone who won’t mirror compassion – will lead to us rejecting ourselves and so lead to more pain. It is possible to learn how to cope with painful anxiety around abandonment in relationship. The challenge is finding the right coping skills that can support us, ease the uncomfortable feelings and help us develop compassion towards ourselves in the process.
Marlena Kushner,MFT
Women’s Therapy Services