Anxiety Care for Women
If you do not have a positive relationship with your mother, your own self concept as a woman and mother can be challenged. Women whose mothers were/are critical, verbally, physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive may have problems deciding how much contact they want to have with their mothers.
Many women who have difficult relationships with their mothers fear judgement from others, especially if there is estrangement in the relationship. However, it is becoming more understood in our society that sometimes taking care of yourself by setting limits on toxic relationships, even when they are your parents, is an acceptable thing to do.
If your mother was abusive, neglectful, or a combination of the two, it can be really hard to reinvent yourself as the nurturing mother you want to be. You may be grieving for yourself and what you missed out on. You may struggle with how to become the parent you want to be or whether to even take the chance to have children of your own.
If you are estranged from your mother and she is ill or dying, it can be very hard to decide whether to become more involved with her in that process. Guilt can be a strong emotion in this complicated dynamic.
Getting support and learning how to take care of yourself are very helpful enterprises, especially support from others who are in the same situation. One online support group I discovered is about getting help if you have a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder. Follow this link for more information to see if this applies to you: http://www.bpdcentral.com/support/email.shtml
How are you managing with the aftermath of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan? It’s hard to avoid fear or overwhelm about what could happen to any of us. It’s terrible to think about all the loss and devastation in Japan, and now the nuclear implications.
If you live in California, are you having increased fear about the chance for a “big one” here? Have you been having memories of other quakes you have lived through or any of the many disasters that have occurred in the recent past? Today I heard someone on the radio talking about global warming and the possibility that parts of New York City could be underwater after a major hurricane. Maybe you know someone who lived through Hurricane Katrina or someone who didn’t make it.
There can also be guilt associated with survival or good fortune. It is hard to look at pictures or watch scenes from the disaster without feeling glad it wasn’t you and perhaps guilty that you don’t have more empathy for the people there. However, this is a normal response to witnessing a traumatic event.
It is good to want to stay abreast of the news from Japan, but also important not to inundate yourself with images of suffering and tragedy. It’s okay to take breaks from the news and focus on more positive events.
Another universal reaction to a natural disaster, after disbelief, shock, and overwhelm, is helplessness. It is recommended that you take some action to help if you are moved to do so. Feeling empathy and generosity towards others who are less fortunate helps us to help the affected and to help ourselves.
If you are feeling panic, isolation, or despair about what is happening in Japan or the possibility of what could or did happen in your life already, it may be a good time to reach out for help, in whatever form that might take for you. Human connection and support is one of the best antidotes to illness and suffering.
It is hard to practice just about anything all on your own! This is why there are so many groups, classes, and online forums, not to mention text messages and phone calls to friends and relatives.
Groups and classes can help us get new ideas, share our own thoughts and experiences, encourage us, and help us stay on track. On the Mayo Clinic webpage about stress reduction they say that support from family, friends, and coworkers can have a strong healing impact when you are under stress. Support gives you a way to belong, which reduces loneliness, fosters better self esteem, and enhances feelings of security.
If you do not have a supportive family, you are not alone. That’s a good reason to reach out into the world to find friends and support groups that can accomplish the same things as family support.
When you are depressed or traumatized, it is very easy to isolate yourself. That is why sometimes people decide to pursue individual therapy as a step towards connecting with another person. It is helpful to look at the patterns of your friendships and intimate relationships to see if you are repeating hurtful experiences from earlier times.
You may have had friends and support at an earlier time in your life and been disappointed by people from your past. Sometimes it is possible to reconnect with lost friends and if not, it may be possible to let go and grieve for the disappointments, which could make room for newer healthier relationships.
I think it’s very hard to work on self improvement, when you don’t feel rewarded with the reinforcement of seeing concrete progress. There are so many ways to get discouraged. Sometimes you might feel like life is conspiring against you in the realm of self-care. For instance, you find an exercise class you can fit into your busy schedule only to discover that you dislike the teacher. Or you try to buy more organic vegetables, then notice that you put them in a drawer in your refrigerator and forgot they were there. Maybe your partner or spouse isn’t that supportive of your desire to live a healthier life style or is unable/unwilling to work with his/her own negative habits. How do you keep on trying without giving in or giving up?
Persistence is an interesting quality. Sometimes it’s better to let go and move on, sometimes it’s more important to hang in there despite disappointments and discouragement. What is your persistence factor? Do you find that you are someone who keeps trying no matter what? Can you let go when you need to? Can you stick with a solution-plan when there are ups and downs?
Most people who are successful with stress reduction can attest to the need for persistence, since most healthy stress reduction behavior takes time to show results. For example, breathing techniques, meditation, yoga, exercise, all take practice to have an impact on anxiety.
In AA it’s suggested that newcomers find support from people who have been working the steps over a period of time–people who have found some degree of serenity and sobriety over time–and this seems to me to be very good advice.
What can you do to find role models who can support you on the road to better self-care? How can you cultivate patience for the process, and persistence to reach your goals?
Family visits during the holidays often add that extra load of stress. Whether your family is a source of love and support or a complicated, painful web of relationships – we can never underestimate the power of the family to unseat us and stress us out. It is easy to be seduced by holiday longing for family and believe, maybe, just maybe -this time will be different. The fantasy of the family being there for us can take over – sometimes it is just that members of the family want to see us SO MUCH – the obligations, guilt and heavy expectations can all be confusing. It makes it so hard to know then -what is the reality for us really?. Do our needs get met or not? So it is hard to take care of ourselves – to evaluate what we need and not get lost in THE FAMILY.
How to cope? My suggestion is be sure to make time for yourself. Consider maybe you don’t have to stay over in the same house. That little bit of space can mean alot. Also taking time-outs away from the family can clear your head and help keep you sane. Things like going out for a walk, run or even an errand by yourself or with just one other close person can be a life saver. Also plan to have other people away from your family available for support by phone. Then be prepared ahead of time – thinking through contingency plans when things may get bad (especially if they have in the past). Also remember that a short visit when you’re longing for more is better than a long visit where you end up thinking “never again”. And try not to feel guilty about your negative thoughts -so many of us love our families but they do drive us crazy…
With all this in mind, do your best to truly have a Happy Holiday!
Marlena Kushner, MFT
Almost everyone can agree that stress reduction is a good idea. But understanding what will work for you is not always that simple. Sometimes there is resistance to positive change that may not make much sense on the surface. We may cling to negative habits and behaviors, and then berate ourselves for it. Just as it is easy to judge a woman who stays with an abusive partner, it is easy to judge yourself for binge eating when you want to regulate your food consumption, or going on a shopping spree when you are trying to get out of credit card debt. This can become self hatred.
The more loss, trauma, and difficulty you have had, especially early on in life, the more complex the road is to healing. Reaching a point where you can find ways to nurture yourself is a big accomplishment.
It is important to be sensitive to yourself and understand what will work for you. Sometimes this involves such small steps it can be very frustrating at first. Try not to compare yourself to others–there will always be someone else who seems to be better at doing what you would like or having what you want.
Since we are again in the midst of a holiday season, remember that stress, hurts, and self judgment can increase at this time of year. Finding support, if you can, is highly recommended.
In thinking about stress reduction, most of us know the drill–exercise, smile more, start a gratitude journal, take a deep breath, do yoga, take a break. Great! Do you find yourself stuck on how to do any of these wonderful things? Most of us have very long to-do lists. Is there space for something peaceful?
The question here is motivation. Many people–both men and women, wait until there is something wrong before taking action. That’s better than avoiding and doing anything. However, you may be interested in prevention also. I’d like to propose a step-by-step approach for putting more stress reduction into your life.
Step one:
Think about one thing you might actually want to do that would reduce your stress. It doesn’t have to be fancy or take a long time. This step is to get clear on what it is. You never have to do it!! Just thinking about it is a step you are taking towards reducing your stress. If you want to try doing it and are having a hard time, remember to keep it simple and find a way to give yourself some positive feedback about doing it.
If you would like, send in a short comment post on what you are thinking about doing.
And if you are engaging in something that is stress reducing, try to name that for yourself. If you go to the gym, it might be for body image or to stay in shape, but it is also a stress reduction activity.
Successful long-term intimate relationships or marriages can offer us certain forms of comfort, security and stability. Within the framework of commitment, we have cherished routines that perpetuate the sense of togetherness. These shared expectations in how we spend our time together (what, where and when) can form the foundation of a good intimate relationship – one that mutually meets our needs. We develop rituals based on shared goals, values, likes and pleasures from the most basic like how we get up in the morning, when and what we enjoy eating at meals to more intimate time together in the bedroom. The things we do together help us bond in intimacy and companionability. For example, one couple may feel their special quality time on the weekend is when they bike ride together – something they both love to do with one another. Another couple may look forward to the quiet time in the evening when they are reading at home or going on an outing with the kids. It doesn’t matter exactly what it is…But each couple finds their own routine that they can look forward to regularly and appreciate as “bonding time”. Problems arise however when that time is disrupted.
Life is about change. Sometimes that change is caused by circumstances beyond our control like the loss of a job, an illness or extended family responsibilities. Other times it is by choice or part of a natural maturation process like expanding a business, starting a family or going back to school. Either way life’s changes are stressful and can have profound effects on relationship. The structures in our daily routines that form the web of connectedness in relating get disturbed and challenged. Even a relatively small change can have effects that we didn’t anticipate. For example, consider when someone in a marriage decides to go on a more restrictive (and healthier diet). That person wants and expects support and encouragement in making that change. Yet they may find their partner (though wanting to be supportive) is basically disappointed – the ritual of eating together, cooking and enjoying certain food gets disturbed and there is a feeling of loss. This kind of pattern gets acted out on a much larger scale depending on the circumstances. When someone’s work schedule is shifted to more travel, later hours or weekend work, the bonding time of being together can feel very threatened. Feelings of abandonment, fears about the future, pressure to succeed – all add to the stress level. It takes energy to make changes to adjust to new outside circumstances. Each partner can have different needs and desires that all deserve attention. This is in addition to actually making the practical real life adjustments. It can just feel absolutely overwhelming!
Successful marriages seem to have the skills to cope with the life’s stresses and even have it add to the intimacy… How do they do it??? One way is allowing for differences. Each partner is respectful of the other and able to communicate in a safe, open way. That is the dance of intimacy – getting that right balance between separateness and togetherness.
by Marlena Kushner, MFT
to read more on this topic click here
You have a secret like an eating disorder or alcohol/drug problem. You might feel on edge about withholding information from the doctor and fear he/she will catch you up and put you on the spot. You might not be ready to face your problem within yourself especially if you feel out of control and afraid you will be forced to stop your self-harming behavior. And there is shame about having the problem in the first place. Unfortunately many doctors are not trained to deal with these kinds of problems.
Sometimes a hard truth is that more than one try is needed to to find the help you need. A really hard part of problems that are “secret” is the isolation and shame you feel about them. However, there can be a turning point, a moment of resolve or readiness that connects you to the right person in the right place.
If you are feeling open to trying, calling a local psychotherapist or organization that works with these types of problems can be a good way to find the right medical practitioner with an understanding about your problem.
You have physical discomfort or embarrassment during exams.
You have had a bad experience in the past, if a doctor yelled at you, scared you, or embarrassed you at some time.
You have low self esteem causing you to feel you are not worth getting medical care.
The doctor is too rushed, cold, or uses a one-size fits all approach.
You may not have had parents who took you to the doctor routinely so you are not used to regular check ups. You may want to ignore getting checked if you feel fine even though some problems are easy to catch and treat early and have no symptoms for a long time.
You don’t have medical insurance and can’t afford to go to the doctor.
for more, see the next blog about secrets you might want to keep from the doctor.