How is it that just when you feel everything is going great in relationship, conflict rises up and there you are – stuck! When you’re close to someone, getting along can feel so great- with so much sharing and compatibility. Yet inevitably as there are 2 different people involved – the differences become more apparent and before you know it your beloved partner can start appearing as the enemy. Compromising or finding a peaceful solution to the conflict can feel like the ultimate challenge.
As a couples counselor, I see this especially in relationships where there isn’t a set pattern of dealing with issues. If there is always one person in relationship who avoids conflict and is the accommodator, then conflict is easily resolved as one person usually gives in and goes along with the other. But if you have two very independent, strong willed people – power struggles and the need for negotiation will be much more frequent.
So what works? How does a couple navigate the treacherous path of conflict??
There are ways an individual can create more of an atmosphere that feeds peace instead of strife. Here are a list of skills that aid in conflict resolution.
1. LISTEN. Put away your side of the argument and just listen for awhile. Let the person know they are being heard. Sometimes just a little acknowledgement of the other side can go along way to stop the impasse.
2. STAY HEART-CENTERED. This can be challenging but it really works in promoting more harmony. In the midst of conflict, it is easy to lose track of your heart and go into your head- rationalizing and explaining your part. But that doesn’t promote heart-to-heart cooperation.
3. BE OPEN. Frustration leads to being closed and fixated on being right. With an attitude of open-ness or even I-don’t-knowness, we are open to solutions that may not be immediately apparent.
4. LIGHTEN UP. Lightness can take away from the serious positioning that is so deadly to loving compromise. It’s like being in a dark stuffy room and someone opens up a window to let in fresh air and light.
5. TAKE A BREAK. It is possible to work an argument to death. When you see conflict isn’t going anywhere, sometimes it helps to stop the direction, take a break and make a plan to come back at a later time. It helps to be concrete here and come to an agreement as to exactly when it would work to revisit the issue.
These are all just suggestions that may or may not fit your situation. It is important to note that healing conflict is POSSIBLE. Compromise and learning to co-operate is a skill that can be developed over time . When it happens after feeling stuck, it indeed can feel like a miracle. It reinforces the power of love to persevere in the face of difficulties and makes relationships stronger and more resilient.
A common lament for those grieving is “Why does it take so long?” Even the family and friends of those grieving may give tremendous support initially and then gradually fade away, acting like “it’s time to move on.” It is hard to really appreciate that grief whether it’s about person, relationship or career, identity or home can easily reverberate in one’s life so it’s not just one loss but multiple. For instance, death of a spouse can mean profound loneliness, changes in family and friends even home. Loss of a career can mean massive change in identity, self-esteem and financial hardship. Moving on isn’t as clear or easy when your life is impacted on so many levels and your heart is broken.
Grief can require tremendous courage, fortitude and patience in facing the unknown.
How often do you find yourself feeling just okay with what is? Often, when involved in a healing process it seems important to push towards the goal. For example, with an eating disorder, there is “work” to do each day to find the balance of permission and loving limits each time you eat. If you are journaling, or working on your relationship with your family, there is time to set aside, and processing that can happen.
Sometimes, in the midst of intention and life’s goals, I think it is helpful to rest with what is. Living is always about transitions, large, or part of every day life. In the midst of all that changes, you could find one thing that is okay just as it stands in this moment. It could be something as small as hearing the sounds of children playing in the playground next door, or as large as the absence of a physical or emotional pain you didn’t notice because it wasn’t nagging at you.
These personal check-ins can be as short as a minute or two, or as long as you feel comfortable with. If you believe as I do that self soothing is one of the most important skills to learn, then give this a try. And let me know how it works.
How are you managing with the aftermath of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan? It’s hard to avoid fear or overwhelm about what could happen to any of us. It’s terrible to think about all the loss and devastation in Japan, and now the nuclear implications.
If you live in California, are you having increased fear about the chance for a “big one” here? Have you been having memories of other quakes you have lived through or any of the many disasters that have occurred in the recent past? Today I heard someone on the radio talking about global warming and the possibility that parts of New York City could be underwater after a major hurricane. Maybe you know someone who lived through Hurricane Katrina or someone who didn’t make it.
There can also be guilt associated with survival or good fortune. It is hard to look at pictures or watch scenes from the disaster without feeling glad it wasn’t you and perhaps guilty that you don’t have more empathy for the people there. However, this is a normal response to witnessing a traumatic event.
It is good to want to stay abreast of the news from Japan, but also important not to inundate yourself with images of suffering and tragedy. It’s okay to take breaks from the news and focus on more positive events.
Another universal reaction to a natural disaster, after disbelief, shock, and overwhelm, is helplessness. It is recommended that you take some action to help if you are moved to do so. Feeling empathy and generosity towards others who are less fortunate helps us to help the affected and to help ourselves.
If you are feeling panic, isolation, or despair about what is happening in Japan or the possibility of what could or did happen in your life already, it may be a good time to reach out for help, in whatever form that might take for you. Human connection and support is one of the best antidotes to illness and suffering.
Feeling secure on your own is the best way to cope with the pressure to find a partner. Once you are in a relationship, it is very helpful to feel like you could survive a break-up and continue to have a meaningful life. If you find someone you are very drawn to, the fear of loss can be very anxiety producing. Learning how to have a good life as a single person is recommended.
It is helpful to work with yourself about what other people think of you. It is so easy to worry and project that others think you are a failure or that something is wrong about you. How can you soothe yourself, believe in yourself more, and learn how to turn what seems like failure into learning experience? There may not seem to be an easy way to do this. One suggestion is to understand and discover how you feel about making friends, both with yourself and with others. It may sound trite, but John Gottman, a noted marriage therapist and relationship researcher says that one of the most important parts of a relationship is the friendship of the partners.
If you find that you have good friends, both male and female, it is important to give yourself credit and find optimism for yourself. If you need help to have more friends, this is a goal you can work on. Even if you experience shyness, have had rejection, or difficult endings with friends, it is never too late to examine how you are in relationships with others and find ways to improve.
If you are single and looking for a partner, it can be very hard to know when to continue seeing someone and when to move on to someone else. A big part of this difficulty can be the fear that there will not be anyone else if you let go of the person you are with.
What can help you decide if you are investing in someone who is not right for you? As a start, ask yourself, does this person have personal qualities I respect and value aside from money or looks. Does he/she listen to my concerns and make an effort to meet me half-way when conflicts arise? Do they show signs of addictive behavior without any desire to address this? Do I ever feel afraid that the person would physically hurt me?
Although of course no one is perfect, certain behaviors/problems can cause serious relationship problems. However, if you are tired of looking for someone, have had a history of relationship disappointments, or feel wowed by someone physically, it can be tough to decide to turn away from them or return to single life that seems so much less than having a partner.
Although women have many more freedoms and rights in our society currently, there are still ways that women can feel “less than” men. If a woman wants to be in a relationship and doesn’t find someone, she can easily feel there is something “wrong” with her. It can feel like the whole world is in a couple except for you. And the pressure to find someone can be very intense.
In the next installment I will discuss how to cope with the pressure to find someone.
I wonder how women are deciding about when and how to be sexual when they are dating. It seems to run the gambit from no physical contact and “just friends” until you feel you know the person well, to intercourse at the first date or at a party. Here are a few guidelines that might help you decide what feels right to you:
1. Consider how you think and feel about your sexuality. Are you able to enjoy yourself or do you feel inhibited, shy, or ashamed? Do you find yourself worrying about how your body looks so that you are self conscious and not able to let go and relax?
Sexuality combined with anxiety is usually not very satisfying. Sometimes women who feel anxious about sex use alcohol or drugs to help calm down and let go. Although it can seem to be helpful, there are risks associated with using substances to relieve anxiety. It is important to recognize what you are doing and think honestly about whether it is working well for you.
2. Consider how far you want to go in a sexual encounter. You may feel pressure from your date or more generally from our culture to have intercourse or oral sex. However, there is something to be said for kissing and cuddling. Sex is not only about the “end result” but also the sharing of intimacy and emotional connection. If you feel pressure to go further and you are not sure you want to, I believe it is perfectly legitimate to want a partner who will accept and respect your decisions especially when you are dating and getting to know each other.
3. In high school and college these days there are risks that are important to understand and protect yourself from. Kelci Lynn in her article, “College Dating, 10 tips for dating safety” has some great ideas for taking care of yourself. Her main point is to have contingency plans in case you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Some of these include letting someone else know where you are going and when you plan to return, going out with a group, being careful not to drink too much, watching your drink to make sure it doesn’t get spiked, and having cell phone contact with a friend who can rescue you from a bad situation.
It is unfortunate that women are thinking more and more about strong protections in the world of dating. It’s important not to feel too discouraged.
If you do want to be sexual and don’t have a steady boyfriend, how do you feel after sex with people you don’t know well? It is important to be able to distinguish between the need to have sexual encounters because you feel lonely, insecure, or social pressure to act a certain way, and engaging in sexual activities because you enjoy it and can make sure you are safe and respected. Remember, it is perfectly okay to say “no” at any point. If you find that you are unable to stop yourself from having sex with people when you really don’t want to, then it is very helpful to get some help, possibly therapy, about this.
Many women prefer to know the person they are being intimate with. This adds to the safety and mutual respect of the experience. I would also recommend some discussion about history, physical and sexual. This can feel extremely uncomfortable, but not impossible! Remember that all sexually transmitted diseases cannot be prevented by using condoms!
It may feel like dating has become a minefield of danger and complication these days. It is important not to give up on figuring out what you want for yourself to stay safe and have positive experiences. It is also very important to learn how to forgive yourself if you had a bad experience or an STD scare and to learn from that experience. And of course, it is also important to have a trusted method of birth control in place.
The first step to healing co-dependent behavior is being able to recognize it. This can be confusing as there is a healthy aspect of relationships where we are mutually dependent on each other. We naturally want to express our love and help people we care about. The unhealthy aspect of co-dependency is when the caring or expression is at your own expense- where you consistently think of yourself last and don’t consider your own needs…Sometimes you can be so used to doing it that you don’t even know you are left out. You won’t know until you find yourself burnt out, unhappy, angry or resentful. The behavior can have a compulsive quality to it – it is just what you do…
For example, someone asks you out to dinner because they want to connect with you. Without even thinking if it works for you or not, you just say ‘Yes’. You may not realize till later that you were really too tired to enjoy it and another nite may have worked out better. That is the compulsivity always thinking of the other without stopping to consider yourself.
At other times, there may be a controlling aspect to it. You may unconsciously do it – be overly helpful, knowing or directing – to keep things in control. You don’t trust that if you don’t do it, things may get out of control or it will not be done right. But this way of being in the world can lead to feeling exhausted and under-appreciated. You may wonder why people don’t take care of you in the same way you take care of them. This is how resentment can get stored and create a general feeling of deprivation and unhappiness. Basically co-dependency can take the joy out of giving. It is possible to change! It is possible to have more choices and to consider yourself when interacting with others. Recognizing how each one of us contributes to creating the problem is the first step toward recovery….
Marlena Kushner, MFT
Women’s Therapy Services